The Wedding Ring

Infertility

 

 

 

I wrote something about this a while back.

 

My husband and I can’t have children. And yes I know that a lot of you reading this are going to go, oh sure there are a lot of women and men out there that can’t conceive.  And you’d be right. But let me say what I need to say alright?

 

I’m 29. I turned 29 in April. I have been technically fertile since I was 8 years old. I got my first period just before my 9th birthday. In 20 years I have never had a positive pregnancy test, a missed period with a happy reason. I’ve never had a miscarriage, never felt the growth of a child inside me. I have Primary Infertility. Now let me be clear about this. I have it. Not my husband. Not any of my previous partners. I DO.

 

I am broken. My uterus doesn’t work. My eggs aren’t working. Three years of investigating and I still have no answer. All I know is that my periods weren’t working…..and now they are. The managed to get them to come back…..my periods. In 2010 my period vanished for a whole year.  My doctor told me nothing was wrong with me. I took his word and moved on.

They came back infrequently in 2011 and then in 2013 I had a period so bad my then boyfriend and I thought I was having a miscarriage. I was given medication to help the pain and blood tests showed that I had P.C.O.S (POLYCYSTIC OVARY SYNDROME). Now the previous doctor told me that I didn’t have it and then I suddenly did.

So off I went for investigations. Pap smear later, done by gynecology because of the strange position of my cervix, and it was clear.  That was another answer. Wasn’t my smear…..so the questions kept coming.

Why had my period stopped? Well apparently it was common with P.C.O.S patients. Medication to fix that. Serious side effects. Got hyper emotional. Periods so heavy I thought I was dying. Hair everywhere…..it was upsetting to say the least.

Then they recommended a scan to see if my tubes were clear. All well and good. I was fine with that. I show up at the appointment.

Nurse: When was your last period?

Me: I haven’t had a period in over a month.

Nurse: Oh…eh….wait a minute. 

I got told that because I hadn’t had a period they couldn’t do the procedure. Now let me make this clear. When my gyno scheduled the appointment he told me that they would do a pregnancy test there and then I’d have the scan done.

Nope.

Got told to go home. I was in tears and had to go down to the gyno and have a pregnancy test done and get medication to enduce a period, new appointment for the scan.

So the new appointment came….scan started (Scan is a HSG they inject dye into your womb to see if it flows in your tubes correctly). Everything was fine….for about three minutes. I had to make them stop because the pain was so mindblowing that I was screaming the x-ray room down. So that saw that done.

So months of medication. Metformin for my P.C.O.S and hormones every month to try and make a baby….and here I am almost four years later…..no answers….no pregnancy.

And the problem for me? I have primary infertility. So when women say they know what its like……I have to stop and think for a minute. Are you saying you know what its like? Really. Do you have a child? Yeah. Then you have NO idea what its like. You’ve had a child. You’ve felt a child grow inside you…..then you have NO idea what its like.

 

So please, before you say you understand and you know what its like please take a minute.

Do you have children? If the answer to this is yes then you have NO idea!!!

 

 RANT OVER

Me, My mind and marriage

Hello word of blog! I feel like I haven’t written anything in months, and honestly I haven’t.

So whats new? Lets see I’m still happily married (YAY) but right now I’m suffering with the humidity (as is all of Ireland sadly 66% Humidity I mean come on!!!!). I’m so excited today because my husband, my wonderful husband, found an article in the Journal about Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m excited because its finally getting a big shiny star thrown on top of it.  Every other mental health condition has gotten headlines and have given information about it all, and I’m not saying that other mental health conditions don’t deserve to be known about, but this one is so new so….unknown that to see it finally getting the acknowledgement it deserves.

I want to take this opportunity to thank @notcourtneylove for writing the article that brought BPD to attention in this country.  Currently there are only three centres that help those who need treatment with their BPD. Me? I’m on three different medications just to abate the symptoms. I take 200mg of anti-depressant and 200mg of anti-psychotics every day and on top of that I take anxiety medication just so I can function.  The lack of treatment centres and the lack of education in this condition are why it is so often misdiagnosed.

Anyway enough about BPD (again thank you  https://aseriesoferraticism.wordpress.com/  you are a legend) but I just wanted to let everyone know that married life is going great.  I’m doing great. I’m losing weight and feeling great. My PCOS is doing so well and I’m managing at the moment. Things are actually looking up for once and that is really….great. But I’m tired…you know that feeling when you have so much going on but you’re really just tired from trying so hard? Yeah that’s where I’m at. But at the end of the day….its all good.

 

Stay safe….stay loved……

Family being taken for granted….yet again.

I am not going to name names. I’m not. Yes I am a married young woman, yes my husband and I do not have children yet but I am NOT someone that is another’s lap dog!!!! I have held my tongue for so long, kept a smile on my face and made sure that everyone was happy.

I’m done.

Weddings are meant to be about family and friends yet me, as the brides sister, was used as a walking talking transport machine and a walking talking (slightly fed) child minder.

I was never asked. I was never thanked. I was expected to mind the children as I’m not a mother yet. It was expected of me and my husband to literally bend over backwards to be there for the bride.

Let me put this into perspective:

• I had to travel from my home to this venue for the wedding (which is an hour and a half of a drive and having to be dressed and ready to go to the church BEFORE we left). My husband had to take the day off from work, I had to take the day off school to be there for the ceremony.
• I was handed everything, phones….emergency lip gloss and everything that you could count.  Our car was overloaded with peoples bags for the hotel.  No help was offered in bringing the bags in. It was literally left down to me and my husband to bring in everyone’s stuff.
• My name in the mass booklet was my maiden name NOT my married name. That was like a steel toed boot kick to the teeth.  I got married six months ago.  That was six months of time that could have easily been used to change my name on the booklet.
• My husband and I had a starter at the meal.  A starter. Think about that for a moment. We got our starter and then we were basically told to take charge. I got my dinner at 8pm and so did my husband and then seconds later I was told that I had to mind the children because certain people needed to be at the speeches.  What am I? Diced liver?? And yet everyone was saying oh they thanked you in the speeches….well I wasn’t there to hear it.
• Now here I am, the day after, relaxing with my husband and I am getting text messages about not being at the after party.  I’m sorry but I got barely any sleep, my husband and I went to bed hungry and were expected to just be okay about it.

Sometimes all I want to do is just curl into a ball and cry over things.  But I can’t do that.  I need to hold my head high but I’m so tired of it all.  I need to vent and honestly the best thing I can do is to remove myself from it.

I need to be me before I can be the hero that they all expect me to be.

food for thought

I am a lot of things people don’t like:
A woman
I’m Bisexual
A writer
I have depression
I support gay marriage, transgender and lesbians because they have a right to life just like everyone else.
I’m a pantheist
I’m living with my fianceé (which some would consider living in sin)
But most of all, what really gets to people, is

I’m pro-choice.

This legislation is a huge debate at the moment and I wanted to throw in my two cents. Firstly I think its good they are finally listening to the ruling brought down by the X case. But there are still some serious problems. They say suicide isn’t a proper reason for abortion…no-one is going to put it on a note that they did it because they were pregnant! And almost 5% of all post birth deaths of mothers are suicide! (stats today from an english study on Sky news into post natal depression figures).
No-one thinks of the effect that post natal has on a woman and many ignore it.

At the end of the day, as a woman who will find it hard to conceive due to medical issues, the decision on abortion should be made ONLY by those who are of age to carry. From puberty up and they should vote and be proper educated on it.

I don’t believe a woman should have to go through with a pregnancy if it not her choice to do so. This country is taking the decision away from a woman. As a woman who will find it hard to conceive you may think why am I talking like this, why am I pro choice? Because it is not my choice to be unable to have children easily…..but it is a woman’s choice what she does with HER body. No government can make that choice for her.

my ring

Christmas, new years and musings

 

 

 

 

It hasn’t been a good year. 

between moving and grieving for those I’ve lost and all this stress and illness I’m surprised that I can stand upright.  As many of you know I lost my uncle this year and it is just hard to cope with at times.  There are things that catapult me into sadness.  Christmas, family things always make me wonder why he isn’t with us anymore. I know he had his reasons for doing it, for leaving us, but at the same time it makes life so much harder.  It has left all of us with unanswered questions and me without a godfather and friend. 

 

god I miss him.

 

I got engaged this year.  That was the happiest day of my life and now I’m with the man of my dreams. Damien is so wonderful and supportive of everything I do. He’s so supportive of my writing and all the things I wish to follow.  Even this whole going back to school idea.  I mean its amazing how I can find someone so amazing in my life.  We’ve only been together 9 months but it feels like years.  And now we’re getting married in 2014 and I’m the happiest woman right now. 

 

So what else happened this year??

 

My friend got married to her long term partner and her son was born and growing so fast! He’s shocking and surprising everyone! He is now the example that all children we give birth to or raise will be followed.  The joys of children and watching them grow. I love seeing them  grow and learn all the time. Especially that gorgeous smile when they figure something out for the first time. It is the most gorgeous thing ever. 

 

Other than that its been a quiet year, a hard one but a quiet one.  

 

At least 2013 can’t be harder than this year was

So angry right now

I mean I’m not usually an angry person, you all know that, yet here I am LIVID.

A certain software company f’d up and now my fiance isn’t getting paid until Monday which has left us BROKE and STRANDED at my parents until Monday.  I mean its well for some who are earning two wages but we’re not and because of that companies massive cock up we are now without ANY money and I have to eat my parents food and they have barely any to start with.  So you can imagine I’m rather annoyed right now.

Oh and here is what makes the situation all the worse.  A “friend” has all but turned on me all because I’m bipolar.  She’s removed me on facebook is totally ignoring me and all because she can’t seem to take that fact that I have lows and highs, which is honestly immature.

So yeah I’m angry….really f’in angry and I just wanted to get it out before I end up yelling in someone’s face

oooooo some people!!!

Now those of you that know me, know I can take my criticism with a smile and a thank you.  But there are just some people, who I will not name, who are beyond rude and heartless.  So I started a spoof on wattpad to get my creative juices flowing again because honestly its been a while since I’ve written and I got some lovely comments 🙂 then there was a VINDICTIVE HEARTLESS Bagel (sorry I refuse to swear in my blog).  I mean with all honesty publishers are people who tell you curtly what is wrong and you change it.  But they have editors and the public to back them up.  Simply CLAIMING you’re a publisher with no proven works to back yourself up is not only idiotic its just plain rude!

Now we all know I’m not one to swear when I’m writing or when I’m blogging but this person honestly makes me want to do things I’ll regret but hey, primal screaming works just as well. I’m not as angry or as upset by things as I used to be (I mean even a year ago the comments that person left would have left me in tears!) and for that I am glad.

The hilarious thing about it is…..if my writing is so bad…why do Pegasus want me?

If my writing is so bad why do a very well known publishing agency want MY work in their company and want me to be on their published authors list?

My ongoing fight

So its time I came clean.  I’ve had a big battle to fight over the last few years.

I have depression.

Now it is pointless to say I HAD depression because you never fully recover.  I’m in the recovery stages and finally feeling stronger but….it is still a daily struggle. You spend day after day wondering will today be the day I have a low again? Will I end up crying and wishing…wishing that the world opened and ate me. The fight is never really over and I hate that it isn’t.  I constantly worry and wonder that when  my life goes on, when Damien and I finally decide to have children, will I get post natal? Will the baby be more inclined to depression?

I know its probably silly to even think about it that way but I can’t help it.  I’ve spent so much time Depression as who I am. I can’t just let it go after so long and I wish that I could separate myself from it. Sadly its so ingrained in who I am that I can’t seem to remove myself from it.

the only problem I really have is that I don’t want my future and my children under that stigma.

But the fight just keeps on going…..and day by day I get stronger

Will it ever really be over?